My favourite outfit always revolves around a pair of really great jeans. Put it with a white top and a cool pair of shoes and you are rocking.
When I was about 9, I was forced to go to school one day, (due to there being nothing else to wear), in a pair of pale baby blue super tight flared slacks. I hated those pants. I was so uncomfortable and so acutely aware of how tight these things were on my butt that I spent the day hiding and trying not to have to stand up from my desk. That night when I got home I yelled, and cried and stomped my feet and told my mum never again would I wear those foul pants. We ended up going shopping for a new pair of jeans.
It is hard to defend my choice, but I was 9, it was the 80’s, skinny legged jeans were on their way in, and so I settled on a pair of bubblegum jeans. Because of the trauma of those pale baby blue flares, I avoided flares for many years. Even after flares made their comeback in the 90’s, it took a long time before I was able to experiment with anything that wasn’t a skinny legged jean. First I chose a boot cut, then slowly moved back to the flare. And I’ve not been out of them since. Last year I read that flares were back! Wow, I hadn’t been out of them in years. I wore them through the whole skinny leg resurgence oblivious to the fact that I was behind the times. They’re just so flattering, and because my style is a bit bohemian and girly they suit me fine.
But, as a fanatical online shop stalker, I often find myself checking out other jeans. You know, just to make sure I’m not missing out on the best pair of jeans ever. And while there is always some weird stuff out there, I’m feeling like this year is taking the cake. It feels like all my usual sites are offering up the most ridiculous looking pair of jeans. Who is buying these things? This season in jeans is dire, and to prove my point I hunted around sites I often visit, and I present to you now evidence of the horror out there.
Muddy Look Jeans
Good lord. This is what my partner looks like after he’s spent the day crawling around under the house. Why would anyone want to have their jeans look like this after they’ve come out the wash? And these are expensive too, about $500 bucks!
Mom Jean’s (or if you’re not American Mum Jeans)
I just saw a category on revolve clothing called ‘Mom Jean’. I didn’t actually know what that was so I looked it up. I guessed from the jeans it just means ugly and ill fitting. I wasn’t too far wrong. It means a vintage (think 80’s) style jean, usually tapered at the ankles, high waist, tight, stiff un-stretching denim in faded colours. The pictures below are mom jeans that you could go and buy right now online.
You could. But why would you.
The third pair of jeans here have clear plastic windows over the knees! They were available from Top Shop. That explains why Top Shop is now closing down here in Oz.
I don’t mind a bit of fading and a slightly frayed edge, but I can’t stand full on rips and holes. A woman at school drop off was wearing a pair like this the other morning. My daughter told me, ‘that lady needs to go buy a new pair of jeans’. I explained that those probably were her new jeans. She looked confused. I was confused too. We stood there together, two confused and bewildered girls in our own non drafty pants.
Known around the place as step Hem jeans, but really it’s a pair of jeans given a mullet finish at the bottom. I just look at them and think someones evil little brother got a hold of your jeans and had a good cut just to get his revenge on the wearer. And what is with unfinished raw edges at the bottom of jeans. The seamstress’s must be having a field day, “What? You mean we can just hack off the bottom with scissors? Happy days!”
There’s a lot of this out there right now. The bottom of these jeans are having an identity crisis, not quite sure if they’re pirate pants or a flamenco nightmare.
What’s with all the bedazzling and decoration and patches? Why do these designers care so much about being bold and original that they forget to add gorgeous and desirable to the mix? These are bad, very very bad.
High Waist Jeans
For pity’s sake, why? I always think high waisted jeans make the wearers butt look extra big and extra long. There are all kinds of wrong in the jeans below.
Not a category as such, but this is a brand I discovered whilst looking around for examples of ugly jean fashion. They were so phenomenally bad they required a mention all of their own.
Why not just something like this…please?
So this season is a blow out for me. I think I’ll be sticking with my flare’s for a little bit longer. I’d much rather be out of date than the laughing stock at school drop off 🙂