Firstly don’t panic, that picture and that headline are not about me hurling myself off a building. Instead bare with me a second while I indulge in a spot of naval gazing.
I am slim and healthy (ooh lucky her), with clear skin and a full head of hair (interesting, please go on), I am in no pain or discomfort and itching is somebody elses problem (oookaaaay – slightly odd point that last one).
That’s a nice start, only 1 problem, I’m none of those things.
That is the not too distant future I am aiming for. The reality is that I’m currently,
- overweight (chocolate you are the enemy I hate to love),
- enjoying the pleasure of discovering new auto immune diseases I never new I had. Like my hair falling out due to my new friend ‘allopecia areata’ (thanks a lot stupid genes),
- in pain most days, and suffering quite a lot of discomfort and itching (psoriasis, you suck).
I truly believe I can do what’s needed to solve these things, I believe it every morning for at least a good 2 hours. But I rarely make it through a day before I do something that goes against my goals and the reason for my constant failure, is quite honestly, me. These things actually make my life a misery. Yet they could all be solved, if I could only manage to stick to my auto immune protocol diet (AIP).
I believe my superhuman non-stick attitude has resulted in a picture of me in the dictionary under the word ‘Teflon’. They say if you want something bad enough, you’ll find the time to make it happen. I keep finding distractions, and gingerbread.
Here’s a quick snapshot of what is happening in my mind at the point in time where it all goes wrong.
[Good Me] – I’m a good girl, I’ve been sticking to my goals today.
[Bad Me] – A chai would be nice though.
[Good Me] – But not today because today I’m busy being awesome.
[Bad Me] – They have really nice gingerbread at the shop where you get chai.
[Good Me] – Which is a shame, because I’m so good I’m not going to touch that anytime soon.
[Random Friend] – Hi Whimsy, want to come over for some pizza and wine?
[Bad Me] – Hell yeah I do!
[Good Me] – But I was being so good!
[Bad Me] – Don’t worry, there’s always tomorrow.
[Good Me] – Well, can’t argue with that logic.
Does that sound familiar to anyone else? All the things that make me unhappy can be resolved by me with some effort and willpower. Unfortunately I’m all out of that right now. I went to the shop to buy some, and left my wallet at home. I can’t seem to maintain the energy required to achieve these things and so I sabotage myself every time. I’m the easiest person to convince to do the opposite of what I need to do. And if no one’s around to convince me, I’ll do the convincing for myself.
I really need to find a solution because it’s not just me suffering, my family suffer too. My partner knows my goals, and it drives him mad to see me give up constantly and delaying another day. My kids don’t realise we don’t go to the beach that much because I don’t feel comfortable out in public in my swimsuit. Or that it stops me having a boogie at a party with them, because it’s bad enough I jiggle when I wiggle at home, no need to put that out there in public.
Like all good computer nerds, I’ve discussed my problem with Google quite heavily. Google (or Googs as I like to call him) has quite a lot to say on the matter and I think I have a harsh reality to face. I have commitment issues. I am an all or nothing personality type. I take off hard towards my goal and if I have a lapse, then I completely throw in the towel and do the sorts of things that are the opposite of achieving my goals. I know I’m not alone here.
So, I have my goals, they’re achievable. I know the benefits. The hurdle is my commitment.
Here is my plan.
- I will make food and exercise schedules that are shorter in length. A week is too long, and so much can change in a week. I’m thinking little baby step schedules that cover a period of 2-3 days.
- I will concentrate on making it to the end of these shorter schedules without failing.
- I will seriously offer myself some bribes along the way in order to reward my commitment (I see massages in my future!)
- I will try to spend less time defending my kitchen bench from those that wish to cover it. It might be ok, for a little while at least, to suspend my OCD tendencies and channel some of that energy into attaining goals.
How will we know if any of this will actually work? Commitment can’t be planned for or written into a book. It has to be practiced and just bloody done, and my track record is pretty poor.
You will just have to stay tuned for a future update. In the meantime, could everyone please refrain from asking me out to anything that is anyway social for say the next 6 months or so (that’d be just peachy).
Love to you all.